Good evening. I find myself sitting here in the dark trying to get sleepy, writing this and thinking all the stuff that taken place in my life. The "American War" as the Vietnamese call it took place forty six freaking years ago for me. That is just short of a half centruy. But even now, when I hear things about the war it causes me to try and pry out long forgotten thoughts. It makes me remember the day I came home and was told about the high school friends and classmen that died in Vietnam. I also remember the day I went to the neighborhood gas station and found out that one my friends that did return couldn't live with his memories and took his life.
My combined good and bad experiences in Vietnam and during my youth definitely forced me to be an adult a lot earlier than I should have or wanted. They also shaped my life and defined me for the last 46 years.
Before going to the VA for help I was a much different person, a much worse person. I was a real grouch, I had no patience whatsoever but my wife and friends still say this a true, I was totally uncaring about strangers, I was distant, very hypervigilant then and still. I have large gaps in my memories from Vietnam and I cannot remember much of anything except really good or very bad stuff. I also can't remember things if they are not written down. If it's not written, it's forgotten.
Nowadays I feel better about myself because I have really worked on it and I feel I've made some progress. I think the people around me see those changes. But tonight I worry that I will never fully remember what was real and may never know to what extent my brain changed my memories especially in regards to my youth and in particular, Vietnam.
My VA psychologists have told me that people with PTSD tend to cope with life's traumas differently. Each person with PTSD has different triggers for what stresses them out and puts them into fight or flight mode. For me it seems that smells and sounds that are the biggie. I've read and heard that when a person remembers smells it is the strongest sensory cue. Startling and unexpected sounds put me in a defense posture and the smells seem to cause nightmares. I'm still better than before treatment.
I've arranged to take tours in and around Saigon. The tours will take me back to certain spots so I can remember, so I can go there and reflect. I am hoping that the sights, smells and sounds will help me bring back lost memories and sort things out for me. I hate having my mind riddled with holes and gaps in memory from my time in Vietnam and my childhood.
Other life experiences have adversely affected my memories too. Too many things. A heart attack accompanied by slight stroke and heart surgery that almost went wrong. Too many traumas, too
many brain cells fried during my youth spent at war and from anesthesia. These lost memories feel seem impossible to reclaim. It sucks. It doesn't help anything that I have officially entered "old fartdom" either.
The "Who, what, when and where" are gone, situations are lost or muddled. I don't can't remember anything for sure. I can sometimes spout off my version of it. But it isn't always right. Maybe not remembering was the goal all along? Perhaps I am not supposed to remember the horrible stuff.
For me the bottom line is that I'm not sure of a lot of the things I think I remember. I'm hoping that having the courage to face my demons coupled with taking specific tours will help fill in the gaps for me and jolt some of the memories from the pigeon holes in my brain. We will see.
So now, for the first time since I decided to run the Fundraiser I am scared and apprehensive about my first days back in Vietnam. I know it will be ok. I now they welcome veterans of the American War in their country. For now, sitting here, my mind is running rampant with "what if's."
Comments are encouraged.
My combined good and bad experiences in Vietnam and during my youth definitely forced me to be an adult a lot earlier than I should have or wanted. They also shaped my life and defined me for the last 46 years.
Before going to the VA for help I was a much different person, a much worse person. I was a real grouch, I had no patience whatsoever but my wife and friends still say this a true, I was totally uncaring about strangers, I was distant, very hypervigilant then and still. I have large gaps in my memories from Vietnam and I cannot remember much of anything except really good or very bad stuff. I also can't remember things if they are not written down. If it's not written, it's forgotten.
Nowadays I feel better about myself because I have really worked on it and I feel I've made some progress. I think the people around me see those changes. But tonight I worry that I will never fully remember what was real and may never know to what extent my brain changed my memories especially in regards to my youth and in particular, Vietnam.
My VA psychologists have told me that people with PTSD tend to cope with life's traumas differently. Each person with PTSD has different triggers for what stresses them out and puts them into fight or flight mode. For me it seems that smells and sounds that are the biggie. I've read and heard that when a person remembers smells it is the strongest sensory cue. Startling and unexpected sounds put me in a defense posture and the smells seem to cause nightmares. I'm still better than before treatment.
I've arranged to take tours in and around Saigon. The tours will take me back to certain spots so I can remember, so I can go there and reflect. I am hoping that the sights, smells and sounds will help me bring back lost memories and sort things out for me. I hate having my mind riddled with holes and gaps in memory from my time in Vietnam and my childhood.
Other life experiences have adversely affected my memories too. Too many things. A heart attack accompanied by slight stroke and heart surgery that almost went wrong. Too many traumas, too
many brain cells fried during my youth spent at war and from anesthesia. These lost memories feel seem impossible to reclaim. It sucks. It doesn't help anything that I have officially entered "old fartdom" either.
The "Who, what, when and where" are gone, situations are lost or muddled. I don't can't remember anything for sure. I can sometimes spout off my version of it. But it isn't always right. Maybe not remembering was the goal all along? Perhaps I am not supposed to remember the horrible stuff.
For me the bottom line is that I'm not sure of a lot of the things I think I remember. I'm hoping that having the courage to face my demons coupled with taking specific tours will help fill in the gaps for me and jolt some of the memories from the pigeon holes in my brain. We will see.
So now, for the first time since I decided to run the Fundraiser I am scared and apprehensive about my first days back in Vietnam. I know it will be ok. I now they welcome veterans of the American War in their country. For now, sitting here, my mind is running rampant with "what if's."
Comments are encouraged.
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